To understand what's wrong with all the straight men in America, trust the science

According to the science of evolution, some straight men managed to transmit their genetic material while others did not. This process has continued unabated for over 200,000 years. As such, the genetic makeup that remains today only represents those who triumphed.

Historically, straight men have played pivotal roles in the development and shaping of our societies. However, today's women exhibit capabilities that far surpass those of straight men. This naturally leads to an important question: what purpose do straight men now serve in our modern society, if any?

By Mike Reid | January 2025

Let's talk about some science for a minute: Our human bodies are, without a doubt, not quite designed for our modern world.

Nope. We're actually optimized for success in the Hunting & Gathering Era, a time when the dating game was way harsher.

And according to science, in the Hunting & Gathering Era, 80% of the women but only 40% of the men successfully reproduced.

Yet every single one of YOUR male ancestors strutted their stuff and passed on their genes. Yup, you're alive today because an unbroken line of dudes beat the mating odds for 200,000+ years.

Your biological father? Check.

Your two grandpas?

Your 4 great grandpas.

Your 8 great great grandpas.

Your 16 great great great grandpas.

Your 32 great great great great grandpas.

Your 64 great great great great great grandpas.

Your 128 great great great great great great grandpas.

Your 256 great great great great great great great grandpas.

Your 512 great great great great great great great great grandpas.

Your 1,024 great great great great great great great great great grandpas.

I mean we could do this all day, honestly, since the Hunting & Gathering Era lasted between 200,000 and 300,000 years, which is a very long time. (Twitter lasted just 17 years.)

It was a rough world out there, even when pregnancy was a lot easier because nobody was using protection or popping pills.

Most men had a hard time getting lucky, but every single one of YOUR male ancestors was a freaking love machine, dominating the scene like a boss lobster at the top of the hierarchy, making babies like there was no tomorrow.

Well, honey, oh how the times have changed.

In today's complicated social landscape, the game of dominance has leveled up, with straight men hustling and bustling to outdo each other in all sorts of new ways. One prime example of this battleground is none other than the entertainment industry.

And who better to showcase two very different approaches to achieving success in this fierce hierarchy of entertainment than the beloved Harry Styles and the dashing Jake Gyllenhaal?

Harry Styles, a former member of the boy band One Direction, has achieved great success as a solo artist in the music industry.

He is known for his unique fashion sense and persona, as well as his ability to connect with fans through social media.

Harry's approach to success has been characterized by a strong focus on self-expression and individuality, which has helped him stand out in a crowded field of talented performers.

His songs are catchy and soulful, and his voice is pure magic.

Harry Styles is known for pushing boundaries with his bold and eclectic style, and he makes every outfit look effortlessly cool.

He's not afraid to wear bright colors, wild prints, or statement accessories, and he always looks like he's having a blast.

Harry Styles is a total heartthrob. He's got an effortless style, a swoon-worthy voice, and a magnetic personality that makes everyone fall in love with him. So when he and Taylor Swift dated for a few months back in 2012, it was a match made in heaven.

Fast forward to the release of Taylor Swift's album, 1989, and we get a song that everyone knows is about Harry Styles. And you know what? It's a really good song! It's got a slick, synth-heavy sound that's totally different from anything Taylor had done before, and the lyrics are clever and catchy.

What's even cooler is that Harry Styles himself has praised the song. In a 2017 interview, he said that he thought it was a "great song" and that he was "flattered" by it.

And really, who wouldn't be?

So let's give credit where credit is due: Taylor Swift may have written some scathing breakup songs in the past, but when it comes to Harry Styles, she showed us that she can write an unbelievably complimentary one too.

And that's because Harry Styles is just that cool.

Still, when it was first announced that Harry Styles would be making his film debut in the war epic Dunkirk, a lot of people were pretty skeptical.

After all, Harry was known primarily as a singer, and his acting experience was limited to a few comedic skits on SNL.

In Dunkirk, Harry Styles plays a soldier named Alex who is stranded on a beach in France during World War II. It's a gritty and intense role, and Harry handles it with surprising skill and nuance. He brings a vulnerability that's unexpected, and he holds his own alongside more experienced actors.

What's even more impressive is that Harry Styles didn't rely on his celebrity to get the part. He had to audition like any other actor, and director Christopher Nolan has said that he was chosen for his talent and his potential as an actor.

And he certainly delivered — his performance in Dunkirk was praised by critics and audiences alike, and it proved that Harry Styles is more than just a pretty face with a good voice.

In short, Harry Styles is a dreamboat, a trendsetter, and a true original. And Harry Styles is not just cool — he's also a genuinely good person who is making a difference in the world.

On the other hand, Jake Gyllenhaal has taken a more traditional approach to success. Jake Gyllenhaal has built his career through a combination of critically acclaimed performances in films, as well as his ability to work with respected directors and writers.

But while Jake Gyllenhaal is primarily known for his acting, he has also shown a willingness to push himself out of his comfort zone and take on new challenges, including singing.

It takes a lot of courage to step outside of one's comfort zone and try something new, especially when it involves performing in front of large audiences. But Jake Gyllenhaal has proven time and time again that he is up for the challenge.

And what's more, Jake Gyllenhaal has stepped out of his comfort zone is by taking on emotionally challenging roles that require him to explore complex and difficult themes.

For example, in the 2005 film Brokeback Mountain, he played a gay cowboy who falls in love with another man. The role required him to explore themes of love, desire, and social stigma, and Jake was widely praised for his nuanced and sensitive performance.

And while Jake Gyllenhaal may not have won any major awards for his singing, that doesn't mean it won't happen in the future.

Who's to say what could happen down the line?

The important thing is that Jake Gyllenhaal is taking the steps to improve his craft, and that he is always looking for new ways to challenge himself and grow as a performer and as an American.

It's important to recognize that not everyone is born with natural singing talent, and that's okay. What sets Jake Gyllenhaal apart is his willingness to put in the hard work and effort to improve his abilities, despite any initial criticism or setbacks.

And now, without further ado, I invite you to dare to imagine an exclusive club designed exclusively for you, the sophisticated single women, and operated by straight men — nay, by straight gentlemen — who aspire to embody the charm of Harry Styles, while avoiding the heartbreaking errors of Jake Gyllenhaal.

As a member of this elite club, you will be treated to an array of complimentary services, a lavish perk reserved exclusively for you throughout your membership.

Upon entering this opulent sanctuary, you will be greeted by charming gentlemen who cater to your every whim, ensuring that your experience is nothing short of extraordinary.

These attentive gentlemen are eager to prove themselves as active listeners, engaging conversationalists, and connoisseurs of the finer things in life, all in an effort to leave an impression on you, the discerning single lady.

From exquisite and finely decorated spaces to expertly crafted cocktails and luxurious treatment, every aspect of this club is designed to indulge your senses and make you feel like a princess.

The gentlemen who run this haven are committed to providing an unparalleled experience that celebrates your independence and unique tastes.

This club offers an enticing escape from the ordinary, a place where you can unwind, be pampered, and connect with like-minded single women, all while being surrounded by gentlemen who appreciate your company and strive to meet your standards.

Let your imagination run wild, and revel in the prospect of a luxurious haven created just for you — a place where you are celebrated, cherished, and treated to the finest experiences life has to offer.

This exclusive, members-only club for single women is your sanctuary, a realm where you can embrace your independence while basking in the attention and care of true gentlemen, gentlemen eager to prove their worth in your eyes.

We desperately plead for you to relay your thoughts. You're well aware that we're fervently tweaking and refining, and your insights can light our way forward. Your perspective isn't just a beacon — it's our guiding star in the vast universe of development, highlighting areas that call for reinforcement. This path we're treading is aflame with tenacity, and your feedback is the essential kindling feeding our passion. Your priceless words will shape this venture, steering us relentlessly towards our fiery ambition for excellence.

Thank you! We'll be in touch soon!
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In short, Harry Styles is a multifaceted talent known for his willingness to push boundaries and experiment with different styles, which has made him a true musical chameleon.

Jake Gyllenhaal, on the other hand, is a versatile actor who is always pushing himself out of his comfort zone, taking on physically demanding and emotionally challenging roles in both film and theater. While he may not be known primarily for his singing, his willingness to improve and grow as a performer is admirable, and his dedication to his craft is significant.